The Beasts Within...

Hello and happy spring! Or kind of spring where I am- we have been having frost warnings. Awesome, huh? All some of us want to do is to garden! Or attempt to garden :) Anyways, here's a little something I wrote one day not too long ago. Read it and take a guess what it's about...

The Beasts Within

The beasts within

Fight me everyday

They do not care

If it’s day or night

The taking of my body is what they so desire

The giving in of my mind and my entire empire

If I believed in sin, this would be them.

Their marks come on hard, rough

Their only goal is to take me down.

My only goal?

To not let the beasts win

My body being ripped in two

If others only knew

The feelings flood over me

Fever, the burning, the throbbing, the chills

Unable to walk, unable to talk

As they tear and claw their way to the top

The question always is

Who will win? Me or them?

As I watch the scene unfold,

I scream and it remains to be seen…

Well? If you guessed it's about werewolves then you're correct! Haha, I lied, it's about shape shifters. Not quite, I lied again. It is however about my lovely Behcet's & Fibro fighting inside my body to see which one will take over. Lately it's been strictly the Behcet's. Love those night sweats, mouth ulcers, extreme fatigue, and fevers. I just can't seem to get enough of those symptoms lately. And don't forget it's rainy season so swelling ahoy! How many of you get nightmares with the fevers? It seems mine always go hand in hand. Good times. I keep hoping my energy will make a come back but apparently it's on strike. Hope everyone is enjoying their spring and may you be as pain free as possible, full of energy, and full of happiness and other crap :)

"To forget how to dig the earth and to tend the soil is to forget ourselves." ~Mahatma Gandhi

"Weather means more when you have a garden. There's nothing like listening to a shower and thinking how it is soaking in around your green beans." ~Marcelene Cox

Can you tell I miss gardening by the quotes? :)

 

The Down Days...

This particular post is very personal. I'm sharing something I wrote on a very down day. I've been going back and forth on whether to share this or not and ultimately decided yes for many reasons. Before I post it, I have several things I need to say.

1) Everyone has bad days, some days are worse than others. Do they hang around? Usually not. For me, I try to think tomorrow will be better and it usually is. Some days it is just impossible to stay positive no matter what and this is why I am sharing this.

2) I am not suicidal. If you think that and are going to try to lecture me, please quit reading my blog. I do not want people commenting saying "you need help" "go see a doctor" etc. Some people write down their feelings instead of keeping them inside. This is what I do. The fact that I'm sharing this with you, well...you should feel fucking privileged. If you don't write down your feelings, consider doing that. It helps for so many reasons.

3) With this being said, if you are more down than usual, fit the symptoms of depression, please do yourself and your loved ones a favor and seek help. Here is a number to a suicide hot line if you need: 1-800-273-8255 (USA). If it's international, here is a link to numbers that can help: http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html  
You're on the Internet already, make the effort to click and get help. Remember someone out there loves you, more than you will ever realize. Someone out there will miss when you are gone.

Now that my spiel is over, here is my writing from a while back.

The fight I have no more,

The will to go on is too much some days

The energy and will has been drained out of me,

I lay here in silence waiting for it to come back,

Sometimes it never does…

My eyes are tinged with red, tears fallen down

Until there’s nothing left to fall…

The anger I feel at myself, at the others,

Those who assume my life can be normal again.

Those who think I can go out and go on,

Those are the ones I wish I could just trade places with

So they can see what it’s like, feel what it’s like,

Know the pain, fatigue, to have no hope left...
The daily problems, oh how they kick you when you are down
How sick I am of fighting...of just being
The times come and go when I loathe myself...

The days the warrior leaves me are the worst.

The most tragic, the most hurtful…

There is no winning, only losing.

Losing what’s left of my fight, my sanity…

The warrior within has been defeated and lost all hope.

The darkest days are here. 

Today I happen to be having a positive day so it's difficult to read through this and post it (not sure why my poem has spaces between some of the lines and some lines are together, but I guess this is what was meant to happen because it looks fine on the draft, perhaps it's more dramatic?). I feel like I should be upbeat with this post but that was not what this post is intended to do. It is intended to show that no matter how great life can be, we all have those bad days. Know you are not alone. (Que Michael Jackson's "You are not alone" song, which will now be stuck in my head the rest of the night...and likely all day tomorrow)

And for those struggling today, here's a little something for you:

 And one I just can't help but post. Anyone with a cat understands...

  "May your days get better. May your suffering end. May the sun shine once again." ~ Chrissy