The Five Stages...

They say there are five stages in a loss. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. What's the loss am I talking about? Has something happened? Have I lost the Behcet's Disease? Don't I wish...

The loss I'm talking about is a part of me. As the disease progresses, you lose a part of yourself. Even if your symptoms stay minimal, you still lose a small portion of yourself. The worse the disease is, the bigger the loss.

They say the stages are suppose to be in order. In order to pass on to the next, you must go through the previous. I disagree. I've already accepted I have Behcet's. I've been through the denial stage and man was that a blast. Trying to pretend the Behcet's isn't there. Haven't hit the depression stage but I'm sure I'll get there at some point. The bargaining stage, well... I haven't bargained since I would pray to the porcelain god while drinking many years ago:) Is there bargaining with Behcet's anyways? You can't bargain with Bechet's because Behcet's will win every time.

Guess what? I am currently in the angry stage. I'm just plain angry about this disease. It has robbed me of my old life. I'm angry part of me is gone. I'm angry because it's highly unlikely I will get it back due to the disease itself and my horrible intolerance to the medications used to treat it. Do you know most people are on multiple medications to manage the disease? How many am I on? Nothing right now but will be starting IV remicade this next week. There is a small ray of hope still left in me I will tolerate one of the three medications left I can try.

What is losing a part of yourself like to Behcet's? It's hard to explain. Even as I try to explain, only those with Behcet's will fully understand. For everyone it is different anyways. Some of us lose a small part, while others a large part. It's almost like becoming a teenager again- trying to find out who you are and trying to find out where you fit in society. I'm still me but I'm different. I can no longer work, no longer go-go-go, no longer able to clean the house from top to bottom in one day...the list goes on and on and you don't have all day to listen to me complain, right?

This post isn't meant to make you feel bad for me, but rather help you understand that even as adults we can still lose part of ourselves, still be trying to find out who you are, and what this horrible disease takes from us.

I would like everyone to take a moment of silence for those who lost their lives in the 35W bridge collapse today in 2007. (insert moment of silence here) :) Jason and I were on our way home from picking up a washer from one of my friends when it happened. We were a couple minutes away from the bridge at the time and watched the emergency crews fly by us. The reason I post this is 1) out of respect for those who lost their lives- it should have never happened- shame on you MN-DOT and all those involved 2) a reminder that no matter how shitty life can be at times, it could always be worse.

"The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.”~Norman Cousins