The Self-Pity Days...

Self-Pity:  pity for oneself, especially a self-indulgent attitude concerning one's own difficulties, hardships, etc.

Oh the self-pity days...where would I be without them?

Today, along with a couple other days, have been self-pity days lately. Why? Because we sometimes just have to have them when living with this disease. There's no easy way around it. Other don't always understand. Fellow BD'ers do.

What have I been thinking about today? The days where I have to do something and I'm not feeling well enough and don't want to take my walker but have to. The days of walker use have been becoming more and more frequent. Sad but true. How does that make me feel as a 33 year old? Not too great. Mixed emotions. Angry. Sad. Frustrated. Disappointed. All of the above and more. Some days I think I'm getting use to it but then realize I am not. Some days I wonder if that will ever happen? What's the hardest about it? Dealing with the people who's mothers never taught them not to stare at people. Yep, they are out there. Some days there are very many of them. Other days, it's not a problem. Some days I feel like attaching a note on my walker in very small writing that says something along the lines of "Come a little closer so you can get a better look with the words fuck you written in small letter." For those of you who know me, you know this very well may happen some day:) Some days I wonder if they are staring at my gorgeous body, ha ha;) Now you are asking why do I need the walker? For two main reasons: I need the support (a cane will not support me enough) and fatigue (for when I need to sit down and there is no where to sit). Some days when we have to go shopping, the cart is enough for me. We always have my walker in Sue's trunk now for me (and if you're thinking of coming over and stealing it, well...you go right ahead:))

The other self-pity: the mouth ulcers. Oh how I hate these bastards some days. I've been getting them on my tongue lately. However this week my little buddies have planted themselves right under my front teeth on the gum. These ones hurt more than the tongue and like a bastard as I have properly named them. Not too mention the inflammation of the blood vessels in my mouth currently. Oh and let's not forget the lesions on my chest. Thank god tank top season is over.

What else can I possibly complain about? Wouldn't you like to know...the usual pain has been worse. I only have myself to blame for that one since I had two family get-togethers this past weekend. Could I have got out of them? Not a chance on one and highly unlikely for the other. Some things you cannot miss, like my mother-in-laws 50th birthday, which Jason and I paid for. Even though this and the other event were 2 hours long (give or take) and I was able to sit at both. However, they sucked any life left right out of me. Since then? I've been in bed.

The worse part of this weekend coming up? We are suppose to be going to the Renaissance Festival. Of course this all depends on how I feel. Currently it isn't happening but there's hope of me recovering to normal feeling like crap (Kala, that's for you, ha ha:))You know what's bad? When we decide, and I mean me, to bring Jason's nephew, Ryder, who is in a stroller so I can hold on to the stroller for support instead of having to bring the walker. Some days it's easier to explain a stroller than it is a walker. It's just the way it is some days. You may think I'm being over sensitive to what others think but some days I just get sick of having to explain and get sick of people staring. There's hope some day I will get use to it. Or better yet, hope of never having to use it again someday. Or people actually listening to their mothers when they tell them not to stare at others. And btw, it has gotten a little easier than the first time I used it.

The lovely dizziness made a small come back last night. Damn BPPV. I was smart this time and did the Epley maneuver immediately and it wasn't as bad. In two weeks I see my neuro so I will be discussing it with her. 

I'm going to stop the self pity for tonight. Hope you all enjoyed the party. Now you can't ever say I didn't invite you to anything:)


“We may encounter many defeats but we must not be defeated.”~ Maya Angelou