I didn't ask to be sick...

I didn't ask to be sick…

I didn't ask for

- to be bed-bound many days

- to know I'm going to die earlier than I should

- to have complications with damn near every health situations that comes up

- to have ongoing, ever-changing, and at times life-threatening symptoms, every day for the rest of my life (unless by some miracle we find a cure)

- my life to be turned upside down by a stupid, fucking disease

- the life of those around me to turned upside down by this stupid, fucking disease

I didn't ask for

- needing to use a wheel chair or walker the majority of times when I go out

- needing to use handicap parking (because I never know how I will feel when I am done or how far I'm able to walk that day)

- to use the scooter in stores

- others to stare at me because to them I look like a healthy 36 year old (well maybe I look a little younger some days)

- to look like a zombie when walking and some days actually look like one

I didn't ask for

- hip injections because my hips get inflamed regardless of PT and other medicines I have tried

- the need to do PT twice a week for hips and post-concussion symptoms (which we all know it's impossible with a chronic illness- even once a week is damn near impossible)

- the need for occipital injections every 3 months to keep the occipital neuralgia at bay (or I can't turn my head and have severe headaches)

I didn't ask for

- my fingers to not work right when I desperately need them to

- my hands to drop items (glasses of milk are always a fun one)

- my brain to not comprehend simple things some days

- to have to ask others to repeat what they've told me despite their irritations in needing to do so

- my body to reject my ever growing list of medications I can't tolerate

- pain that is a constant

- the ongoing pleurisy issues (that I know will land me in the ER some day again but for something other than to diagnose it)

I didn't ask for

- the emotional toll it takes on myself and those close to me

- or those who my S.O. works with (I often wonder if it's something people are more aware of and sympathetic to, like cancer, how it would be)

- others who are sick coming around me or my S.O., and then getting me sick (it happens every time, in fact I can't recall a time it didn't- even with me/my S.O. using precautions to keep it away)

I didn't ask for

- the other things that come along with autoimmune disease

*Raynauds

* Fibro

*all the shit I'm missing because the list is too long

I didn't ask for

- the concussion I got on June 1,2015

- the post-concussion symptoms I'm still dealing with and very well may have the rest of my life

- the falls I continue to have after the concussion

- the inability to drive due to weakness or my post-concussion symptoms (would it be better if I drove myself and put others and myself in danger?)

I didn't ask for

- the emergency doctors visits in-between my regularly scheduled doctor visits

- I didn't ask for my body to not be able to fight off infection, where a normal person's body fights for them, not against them

- I didn't ask the infection to set in within days, where a normal person will have weeks or just get better

I didn't ask for

- the dental complications

- the sinus complications

- the GI complications

- the skin complications

- the eye complications

- the neurology complications

- all the other complications I have missed

I didn't ask for

- the advice others give that is generally a crock of shit despite their good intentions (especially those who have no idea what my disease is but in the next 10 minutes or the next time I see them, they have become experts- did you go to med school for that? I'm pretty sure everyone would be jumping on that train instead of going to medical school for years and years.)

- my family to not take my illness seriously (will they when I'm in the hospital finally from something they've caused or thought wasn't a big deal?) Krystle, thank you for understanding why I can't be around sickness, even if it's just a cold.

- the several horrible doctors I saw before I found a team who actually cares and wants to help

- the help I need getting to and from appointments

- the help I need for daily ADL's

I do ask for but didn't get

- others to be understanding but I know in reality they will never get it until they deal with it themselves or a close loved one goes through it

I didn't ask for life to be fair, we all know it's not.

I didn't want to say this but others force me to…

I didn't ask to be sick, in fact...

Nobody asks to be sick...

To help understand the kind of mood I'm in, please see below...